Great article. Your interpersonal intelligence levels are off the charts; a rare alignment in career choices these days. Did Alexis ditch the dude, I hope?
I have seen this creeping across different sectors of society, and between groups... an example - my son has been 'conditioned' at his workplace (which has a very strong incentive for compliance and group thing i.e. the military) So now, instead of working on our relationship, he has decided that I am a narcissist and has cut off most contact... there are uncomfortable issues he does not want to talk about (which would be healthy for him to do so) in our mutual past - a shared trauma, but he is emotionally shut down.
When I try to show an example, to be a bit vulnerable about that past and how it has hurt me, to allow him the space to also find those feelings), my vulnerability or 'weakness' for wanting to process emotions is now a condition that means I am to be thought of as broken or not worthy of the type of attention he wants to offer - transactional.
The stoicism in the military is perhaps a good thing in that context, but when it leaks into personal relationships, or an excuse to avoid a painful yet ultimately liberating journey to put difficult matters behind (and as we were both there and both borne witness together, and subject to the same fallout, perhaps naturally able to support each other)... but no, I am a narcissist who need to get their act together, and stop being 'emotional'.
I think the military mindset is a convenient place for him to hide, to have others model that behaviour of not talking about emotions, or showing any weakness or need... A simple label he has picked up somewhere becomes his tool for living in his own denial, and that distorts what should be natural healthy interaction between a father and son.
Kovin, I can so relate to your example. I have the same with my daughter and our conversations feel like a kafka trap - if you admit you are wrong, they go "see, you are the problem" and if you don't admit to it, they go "you are being so defensive and blind to my side of the issue". You can't get through either way.
It seems so many adult children these days have 'discovered' what horrendous upbrings they had and there is an epidemic of going 'no contact' or restricting the relationships with parents to be on the child's terms... some sort of pop psychology empowerment, to cut people off with no explanation...
I cut contact off with my parents decades ago. I told them they had two choices: face up to the abuse I suffered or we were done. They chose not to admit what happend, to keep pretending everything was fine, so I walked away.
There was no 'pop culture empowerment.' They were abusers and I am better off without them in my life. I do not hate them or miss them. I am a Christian and forgive them. Ultimately it was their choice. I was done playing pretend.
No one 'told me to do this.' I never 'saw a psychologist.' I was tired of being around people who were abusing me and lying to me so I bounced.
I did not 'suddenly discover' I had a terrible childhood. I genuinely lived a nightmare of abuse. They recieved an explanation and chose not to believe it. I would rather be alone than surrounded by abusive liars.
I owe them nothing. They tell people I 'joined a cult that brainwashed me against them' much like you talk about your son's military career. The mark of a narcissist is that they blame external forces for breakdowns in their personal relationships.
My advice to you would be to stop blaming other things (the military, whatever) for your damaged relationship and take responsibility for what happened. You were the parent. If he says there was a problem, genuinely listen to his explanation. If you refute his explanation, do not be surprised when you are cut off.
Abused children do not hate their parents. They hate themselves. For a child to cut off their parents it is the ultimate act of desperation on the road to survivial.
This is not about you. It is about self-preservation.
I appreciate your reply and that you went through issues in your own life... and you made the choice you felt was right for you... but don't be judging me based on something I may have written and suggesting it is a parallel to your own experience... just like I don't know your situation, you don't know mine... It is very unique, and I am not prepared to go into it to try to explain anything to strangers on SubStack...
The points I made are valid in my context, and if you care to be open to other people's experiences being different to your own, then go down the rabbit hole of those people who do get cut off for no tangible reason, who are ghosted - even if they are responsible and want to take ownership of the role they may have played in any situation, are still just cut-off without explanation or a chance to work on a constructive process that may offer healing or understanding to both sides.
We all have our stories, our own perspectives and on our own journeys in life - but suggesting that I need therapy because I am in some sort of denial is rather ironic, considering the original article... and your lack of any credentials in the field or understanding of my own situation.
I have always been open and receptive to a dialogue on any of our family matters... but when the other person does not want to, or is incapable emotionally of engaging, then it is much more difficult to make progress - easier for one person to be in denial, 'label' the other to stop them from raising the issues in the future, and stuff the pain further down... that is unhealthy for them, ultimately...
Thank you for bringing an oasis of lucidity into a world of insanity! I couldn t agree more. So refreshing to see that there still are some doctors with discernment!
Very beautifully stated facts, as always Dr. McFillin. You are very tuned into the deeper truths and your eloquent, powerful and necessary posts are a pleasure to read and share.
God Bless you & everyone reading. May we all enjoy a far greater and more healthy and truly healing emotionally connected time ahead full of empathy, understanding, kindness, Light and Love. Love to all, 143 ❤️♾️
Love is the antidote to fear and selfishness. Unconditional acceptance was the path to forgiveness and love for me... I had to find my way back to this place through the Church and the belief that I can be forgiven. I had to first do that, and continue placing my faith in Christ for that. Thank you for paying attention to the Divine messages you're intended to share.
I have been thinking about that a lot for the past few years. Friendships have become rare. Parents often fail to engage with their children. Company culture threw "wellness" out there to make employees believe they care about their "family". We are substituting important things in our lives for what reason?
Overall this does make sense, but I do not see this as so starkly presented. It was a not that simple. Therapy in the 21st century ideally should have a beginning, middle and end. Solid time limited goals make sense. Open ended meanderings are not helpful. I like how you challenge the status quo though!
omg this happened to me the other day. I'm in a city. Pre-covid people used to gather in the park to chat. I went down there to have a yarn. Guy says 'have you tried therapy?' as he walks away. (translation: Don't talk to me). I haven't been back since and no longer talk to anyone.
I have been feeling so much of this, as I look at the devolution of various relationships around me, but I never hoped to see it so well articulated. Professional evaluations have started to intrude into employees' personal head space, while family relationships are becoming coldly transactional. And whomever knows the most psych jargon will control the outcome.
Thank you for this. I will return to read it again.
This is by far one of the best articles I've ever read on the current state of human relations. I am going through this issue right now with my daughter who speaks constantly in "therapy speak" and pathologizes her every interaction with the family. At only 24, she has cut off not only me but all her friends from her home town, her sister, and recently her twin brother. She will only speak to us if we go to family therapy for issues; these include (1) I called her an easy child when she was young and that made her feel boxed in by the label, (2) she was embarrassed that I was proud that she got a math degree from UC Berkeley, and more such things. There is no grace in this world view, only unrealistic expectations about what a perfect parent-child relationship should be. Your article encapsulated things so well. Thank you
There is a fine line between a therapist and their patient. My friend who once worked in Ayurveda field and as a bodyworker- he later became a mental health therapist- he told me he never met/interacted with crazier people when he was in school to become a mental health therapist. Those people were his classmates.
When I have seen mental heath therapists I seem to school them.
I will NEVER see one again.
I told one- vaccines are BS and so are these stupid masks.
And my first one a male- loves to date his clients, use hypnosis, and is a Freemason. I have so much to say about that weird man.
One I believe was my handler. She said eh? You’re a truth speaker huh? She told me don’t you dare talk to dentists or doctors like that. Like what? Stick up for myself?
She is one sick in the head individual.
The weirdest stuff was happening to me when I was seeing her. When I said goodbye, I don’t need your support anymore- you’re harmful more than helping she lost her shit. She won’t even give me my records. I believe she works for evil, the darkness.
The best mental health therapy are high doses of nature, nutrient dense diet, and trusting your gut, following your heart, and using your God given brain. Being around people who are good space holders, good listeners, and curious individuals are way better than any therapist.
Great article. Your interpersonal intelligence levels are off the charts; a rare alignment in career choices these days. Did Alexis ditch the dude, I hope?
I have seen this creeping across different sectors of society, and between groups... an example - my son has been 'conditioned' at his workplace (which has a very strong incentive for compliance and group thing i.e. the military) So now, instead of working on our relationship, he has decided that I am a narcissist and has cut off most contact... there are uncomfortable issues he does not want to talk about (which would be healthy for him to do so) in our mutual past - a shared trauma, but he is emotionally shut down.
When I try to show an example, to be a bit vulnerable about that past and how it has hurt me, to allow him the space to also find those feelings), my vulnerability or 'weakness' for wanting to process emotions is now a condition that means I am to be thought of as broken or not worthy of the type of attention he wants to offer - transactional.
The stoicism in the military is perhaps a good thing in that context, but when it leaks into personal relationships, or an excuse to avoid a painful yet ultimately liberating journey to put difficult matters behind (and as we were both there and both borne witness together, and subject to the same fallout, perhaps naturally able to support each other)... but no, I am a narcissist who need to get their act together, and stop being 'emotional'.
I think the military mindset is a convenient place for him to hide, to have others model that behaviour of not talking about emotions, or showing any weakness or need... A simple label he has picked up somewhere becomes his tool for living in his own denial, and that distorts what should be natural healthy interaction between a father and son.
Kovin, I can so relate to your example. I have the same with my daughter and our conversations feel like a kafka trap - if you admit you are wrong, they go "see, you are the problem" and if you don't admit to it, they go "you are being so defensive and blind to my side of the issue". You can't get through either way.
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this.
It seems so many adult children these days have 'discovered' what horrendous upbrings they had and there is an epidemic of going 'no contact' or restricting the relationships with parents to be on the child's terms... some sort of pop psychology empowerment, to cut people off with no explanation...
Our daughter in law no longer has contact with her parents. We wonder each time when we don’t hear back from them is it our time to be cut out?
I cut contact off with my parents decades ago. I told them they had two choices: face up to the abuse I suffered or we were done. They chose not to admit what happend, to keep pretending everything was fine, so I walked away.
There was no 'pop culture empowerment.' They were abusers and I am better off without them in my life. I do not hate them or miss them. I am a Christian and forgive them. Ultimately it was their choice. I was done playing pretend.
No one 'told me to do this.' I never 'saw a psychologist.' I was tired of being around people who were abusing me and lying to me so I bounced.
I did not 'suddenly discover' I had a terrible childhood. I genuinely lived a nightmare of abuse. They recieved an explanation and chose not to believe it. I would rather be alone than surrounded by abusive liars.
Edit: this is just a fraction of what I suffered. https://vicparkpetition.substack.com/p/we-were-fearfully-and-wonderfully
I owe them nothing. They tell people I 'joined a cult that brainwashed me against them' much like you talk about your son's military career. The mark of a narcissist is that they blame external forces for breakdowns in their personal relationships.
My advice to you would be to stop blaming other things (the military, whatever) for your damaged relationship and take responsibility for what happened. You were the parent. If he says there was a problem, genuinely listen to his explanation. If you refute his explanation, do not be surprised when you are cut off.
Abused children do not hate their parents. They hate themselves. For a child to cut off their parents it is the ultimate act of desperation on the road to survivial.
This is not about you. It is about self-preservation.
I appreciate your reply and that you went through issues in your own life... and you made the choice you felt was right for you... but don't be judging me based on something I may have written and suggesting it is a parallel to your own experience... just like I don't know your situation, you don't know mine... It is very unique, and I am not prepared to go into it to try to explain anything to strangers on SubStack...
The points I made are valid in my context, and if you care to be open to other people's experiences being different to your own, then go down the rabbit hole of those people who do get cut off for no tangible reason, who are ghosted - even if they are responsible and want to take ownership of the role they may have played in any situation, are still just cut-off without explanation or a chance to work on a constructive process that may offer healing or understanding to both sides.
We all have our stories, our own perspectives and on our own journeys in life - but suggesting that I need therapy because I am in some sort of denial is rather ironic, considering the original article... and your lack of any credentials in the field or understanding of my own situation.
Cheers!
I have always been open and receptive to a dialogue on any of our family matters... but when the other person does not want to, or is incapable emotionally of engaging, then it is much more difficult to make progress - easier for one person to be in denial, 'label' the other to stop them from raising the issues in the future, and stuff the pain further down... that is unhealthy for them, ultimately...
Please point to the exact sentence in my post where I am "suggesting that (you) need therapy."
And your appeal to authority about my 'credentials' (or lack thereof) is noted.
Edit: for grammar
It’s a terrible movement destroying families.
Just a product of the move away from family values towards the individual identity - selfish, emotional greed
Thank you for bringing an oasis of lucidity into a world of insanity! I couldn t agree more. So refreshing to see that there still are some doctors with discernment!
Thank you so much for this beautiful piece of writing. It is profoundly true and precisely what I needed to read today.
Very beautifully stated facts, as always Dr. McFillin. You are very tuned into the deeper truths and your eloquent, powerful and necessary posts are a pleasure to read and share.
God Bless you & everyone reading. May we all enjoy a far greater and more healthy and truly healing emotionally connected time ahead full of empathy, understanding, kindness, Light and Love. Love to all, 143 ❤️♾️
Love is the antidote to fear and selfishness. Unconditional acceptance was the path to forgiveness and love for me... I had to find my way back to this place through the Church and the belief that I can be forgiven. I had to first do that, and continue placing my faith in Christ for that. Thank you for paying attention to the Divine messages you're intended to share.
Excellent article; thank you.
I'm still searching my head over the beginning, though: "You need therapy." Four words that... 🤣
Oops - three words. HAHA
This was a great article!
I have been thinking about that a lot for the past few years. Friendships have become rare. Parents often fail to engage with their children. Company culture threw "wellness" out there to make employees believe they care about their "family". We are substituting important things in our lives for what reason?
Rising economic demands and the pace at which we live makes real empathy an inconvenience
Great post!
Overall this does make sense, but I do not see this as so starkly presented. It was a not that simple. Therapy in the 21st century ideally should have a beginning, middle and end. Solid time limited goals make sense. Open ended meanderings are not helpful. I like how you challenge the status quo though!
omg this happened to me the other day. I'm in a city. Pre-covid people used to gather in the park to chat. I went down there to have a yarn. Guy says 'have you tried therapy?' as he walks away. (translation: Don't talk to me). I haven't been back since and no longer talk to anyone.
I have been feeling so much of this, as I look at the devolution of various relationships around me, but I never hoped to see it so well articulated. Professional evaluations have started to intrude into employees' personal head space, while family relationships are becoming coldly transactional. And whomever knows the most psych jargon will control the outcome.
Thank you for this. I will return to read it again.
This is by far one of the best articles I've ever read on the current state of human relations. I am going through this issue right now with my daughter who speaks constantly in "therapy speak" and pathologizes her every interaction with the family. At only 24, she has cut off not only me but all her friends from her home town, her sister, and recently her twin brother. She will only speak to us if we go to family therapy for issues; these include (1) I called her an easy child when she was young and that made her feel boxed in by the label, (2) she was embarrassed that I was proud that she got a math degree from UC Berkeley, and more such things. There is no grace in this world view, only unrealistic expectations about what a perfect parent-child relationship should be. Your article encapsulated things so well. Thank you
There is a fine line between a therapist and their patient. My friend who once worked in Ayurveda field and as a bodyworker- he later became a mental health therapist- he told me he never met/interacted with crazier people when he was in school to become a mental health therapist. Those people were his classmates.
When I have seen mental heath therapists I seem to school them.
I will NEVER see one again.
I told one- vaccines are BS and so are these stupid masks.
And my first one a male- loves to date his clients, use hypnosis, and is a Freemason. I have so much to say about that weird man.
One I believe was my handler. She said eh? You’re a truth speaker huh? She told me don’t you dare talk to dentists or doctors like that. Like what? Stick up for myself?
She is one sick in the head individual.
The weirdest stuff was happening to me when I was seeing her. When I said goodbye, I don’t need your support anymore- you’re harmful more than helping she lost her shit. She won’t even give me my records. I believe she works for evil, the darkness.
The best mental health therapy are high doses of nature, nutrient dense diet, and trusting your gut, following your heart, and using your God given brain. Being around people who are good space holders, good listeners, and curious individuals are way better than any therapist.
The DSM is BS.
"Vaccines are BS" - Yeah, you werr totally schooling those crazy therapists 🙄
This is so true.
As a society, we've declared war on emotion and spontaneity.
That's because those basic aspects of human nature are hard to control and our rulers seek total control over us.
This is one of the best things I've ever read. I admire and respect your perspectives and I'm sharing this. We'll done. Write on.