I had an experience a year ago of debilitating joint pain and excessive bleeding nearly entirely ceasing within days of a huge moment of self-forgiveness. I realized that I was enabling my own punishment for my failures as a parent. It occurred to me I could die from the fallout. I wrote my goodbye letters. But then I determined to commit to try to live. When I observed in myself a part of me that believed that I deserved to suffer, I realized that that needed to change immediately. I will not be an agent in my own death. I in-theory (but not truly) believed forgiveness was powerful, but I actually believe it now.
I think it is important to physically separate from people who routinely hurt us. It is much easier to forgive from a distance. A certain amount of rumination can yield positive results, there is an emotional wringing out each time we go over the story. I think it is important to really see the traits in the abuser that have caused harm, that is not negative. We have to understand darkness to get to the light. It is a spiritual bypass to ignore dark traits, and writing them down, verbalizing them brings clarity so that we no longer suffer with betrayal blindness. I don't consider that disparaging, I think it is an essential and practical move. Also, the 'why' the person abused us is not important, the fact that they did is what matters. Too easy to become a victim again with misplaced empathy. A lot of Christian tomes take a fluffy, sentimental approach to forgiveness which is unhelpful. Jesus himself made disparaging but true evaluations of the Pharisees, he pulled no punches. Yes, we can have empathy for a person who suffers from the pains of existence, but in the case of abuse our empathy focus should be on ourselves.
I appreciate your comprehensive exploration of this most important topic. Two areas stood out to me. The first was the idea we don't necessarily reconcile with the individual we're forgiving. There are just some people with whom we will have to practice our best boundary strategies. The second area that I found so vital was the area of compassion. What might this person have experienced to make them the way they are? It reminds me of Atticus Finch telling Scout, "We never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb into his skin and walk around in it."
I used to see it that way, not anymore. My viewpoint was very much influenced by George Simon's book 'wolf in sheep's clothing.' All of us are born with a fighting instinct, some people choose to get what they want by stepping on others, they don't do it because they were abused, they do it because they don't have a sensitive conscience, so they bulldoze their way to the top to satisfy their sense of entitlement and desires. I have met many who fit this mold. I have met many who have experienced far worse traumas than the predator types, who do not do this, and instead adhere to values of honesty and integrity. Some people are far more selfish than others regardless of their background and education.
I had an experience a year ago of debilitating joint pain and excessive bleeding nearly entirely ceasing within days of a huge moment of self-forgiveness. I realized that I was enabling my own punishment for my failures as a parent. It occurred to me I could die from the fallout. I wrote my goodbye letters. But then I determined to commit to try to live. When I observed in myself a part of me that believed that I deserved to suffer, I realized that that needed to change immediately. I will not be an agent in my own death. I in-theory (but not truly) believed forgiveness was powerful, but I actually believe it now.
I think it is important to physically separate from people who routinely hurt us. It is much easier to forgive from a distance. A certain amount of rumination can yield positive results, there is an emotional wringing out each time we go over the story. I think it is important to really see the traits in the abuser that have caused harm, that is not negative. We have to understand darkness to get to the light. It is a spiritual bypass to ignore dark traits, and writing them down, verbalizing them brings clarity so that we no longer suffer with betrayal blindness. I don't consider that disparaging, I think it is an essential and practical move. Also, the 'why' the person abused us is not important, the fact that they did is what matters. Too easy to become a victim again with misplaced empathy. A lot of Christian tomes take a fluffy, sentimental approach to forgiveness which is unhelpful. Jesus himself made disparaging but true evaluations of the Pharisees, he pulled no punches. Yes, we can have empathy for a person who suffers from the pains of existence, but in the case of abuse our empathy focus should be on ourselves.
I appreciate your comprehensive exploration of this most important topic. Two areas stood out to me. The first was the idea we don't necessarily reconcile with the individual we're forgiving. There are just some people with whom we will have to practice our best boundary strategies. The second area that I found so vital was the area of compassion. What might this person have experienced to make them the way they are? It reminds me of Atticus Finch telling Scout, "We never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view, until you climb into his skin and walk around in it."
I used to see it that way, not anymore. My viewpoint was very much influenced by George Simon's book 'wolf in sheep's clothing.' All of us are born with a fighting instinct, some people choose to get what they want by stepping on others, they don't do it because they were abused, they do it because they don't have a sensitive conscience, so they bulldoze their way to the top to satisfy their sense of entitlement and desires. I have met many who fit this mold. I have met many who have experienced far worse traumas than the predator types, who do not do this, and instead adhere to values of honesty and integrity. Some people are far more selfish than others regardless of their background and education.