The Healing Power of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is Resilience
In mainstream psychology and psychiatry, the profound concept of forgiveness, deeply woven into biblical, religious, and philosophical texts, curiously finds itself missing from training curriculums. The hesitance to embrace such a potent healing element may stem from a broader societal departure from religious and spiritual foundations, undermining the significance of forgiveness in our quest for well-being.
Astonishingly, despite scientific labs in major academic institutions examining critical aspects of well-being, including forgiveness, our system remains entrenched in categorizing suffering as an illness. This lack of depth reflects a failure to comprehend the shared humanity and inherent struggles woven into the fabric of our existence.
Consequently, the broader notions of discovering meaning in suffering and life purpose have given way to shallower endeavors focused on symptom reduction or the mere management of a perceived illness.
We can all relate to the emotions of being wronged or betrayed by someone. However, for individuals who have endured physical or sexual trauma, the journey toward forgiveness goes beyond addressing the feelings toward the assailant; it also involves the act of forgiving oneself.
For some, it was the choices they made that left them in vulnerable positions, such as being under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Certain individuals harbor the belief that they could have averted the trauma had they been more aware and able to perceive the danger ahead of time. In the case of those who were victims of childhood abuse or neglect, there's a haunting belief that they must have done something to deserve such mistreatment.
Forgiveness stands as a crucial force in alleviating suffering and nurturing the innate healing potential within each of us. It serves as a transformative balm, offering solace to wounded hearts and fostering a profound release from the shackles of pain. By extending forgiveness, we tap into a wellspring of resilience, compassion, and inner peace. This act is not merely about absolving others but, more significantly, about liberating ourselves from the burdens of our past
What Forgiveness is NOT
“Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.”- Buddha
“Forgiveness doesn’t excuse their behavior. Forgiveness prevents their behaviour from destroying your heart.”- Buddha
A prevalent yet misguided notion is that forgiveness equates to letting the person who caused harm off the hook. It's essential to clarify that forgiveness is distinct from justice and does not mandate reconciliation. Far from being a sign of weakness, forgiveness is a demonstration of profound emotional resilience, maturity, wisdom, and strength.
“Holding a grudge doesn’t make you strong; it makes you bitter. Forgiving doesn’t make you weak; it sets you free.” – Buddha
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
- Mahatma Gandhi
When individuals struggle to forgive, they often find themselves caught in a cycle of ruminating on past events, repeatedly reliving them. This cycle engulfs them in a whirlwind of rage, shame, and negative emotional states. The act of forgiveness isn't an endorsement of the wrongdoer's behavior or an assertion that they deserve it; rather, it's a profound shift in mindset aimed at discovering peace in the present, transcending the events that linger in the shadows of the past.
Chronic anger puts us into a fight-or-flight mode, which results in numerous changes in heart rate, blood pressure and immune response. Those changes, then, increase the risk of depression, heart disease and diabetes, among other conditions. Forgiveness, however, calms stress levels, leading to improved health.
What is Forgiveness?
According to a team of researchers at the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health, there are two distinct types of person-to-person forgiveness: decisional forgiveness and emotional forgiveness.
Decisional forgiveness involves making a decision to forgive a personal offense, let go of angry and resentful thoughts and treat the offender with dignity. This is what psychologists call a behavior intention statement. In cases like these the person may allow themselves to continue to feel the emotions but may change their beliefs or actions toward the person.
Emotional forgiveness involves replacing those negative emotions with positive feelings like compassion, sympathy and empathy. Research shows that this kind of forgiveness is where most health benefits are.
The team at Harvard found that participants who completed self-directed exercises in a forgiveness workbook reported reduced symptoms of depression and anxiety after two weeks compared to those without access to the workbooks.
The workbooks encouraged people to acknowledge and not suppress their hurt feelings but also to try to empathize with the other person. They said forgiveness does not mean condoning the painful actions of others or not seeking justice, but rather replacing the ill will towards the offender with goodwill. This same approach can also be directed toward oneself. For example, directing compassion toward one’s younger self.
Steps to Forgiveness
Greater Good Science Center (GGSC) at the University of California, explores the roots of happy and compassionate individuals, strong social bonds, and altruistic behavior—the science of a meaningful life.
In 2015, they published an article title “Eight Keys to Forgiveness” written by Robert Enright, PhD, a licensed psychologist and a professor of educational psychology at the University of Wisconsin–Madison. He established the International Forgiveness Institute, Inc. in 1994. He is the pioneer researcher in the social sciences on the psychology of forgiveness. Time Magazine referred to him as “the forgiveness trailblazer.”
Here is a summary of some steps one can take to move closer to forgiveness.
Decide why it is important to you.
Forgiveness is an act of goodness, an extension of mercy to those who have caused us harm, regardless of whether they seem to "deserve" it. It doesn't involve making excuses for the offender's behavior or denying the reality of what occurred. Instead, forgiveness is a conscious decision driven by understanding its significance in your own life.
Establishing a profound understanding of the importance of forgiveness is crucial. Perhaps, your aim is to elevate your own emotional well-being, fostering a sense of inner peace and resilience.
Alternatively, you may seek to draw nearer to a spiritual connection, embracing forgiveness as a means to deepen your relationship with the divine.
“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.” Luke 6:37
It could also be about living more fully in the present, unburdened by past grievances, and creating a space for love to flourish in your life. Additionally, aspiring to become a role model for others by embodying the transformative power of forgiveness can serve as a noble intention. As you embark on this journey, keep these motivations in mind, guiding you through the process of forgiveness.
Become “Forgivingly Fit”
Forging the path to forgiveness is undeniably challenging. Much like developing physical strength and endurance, cultivating emotional fitness requires incremental efforts.
Commencing this journey involves a commitment to refrain from harmful actions, consciously steering clear of disparaging remarks aimed at those who have caused you pain. While expressing overtly positive sentiments may not be necessary, abstaining from negative speech nurtures the forgiving aspects of your mind and heart. Start this process gradually, taking measured steps to build and strengthen this commitment.
Boosting your capacity for love involves exercising it even when it might appear unnecessary. This practice acts as a workout for the "love muscle," facilitating greater ease in extending compassion to everyone. Additionally, integrating small acts of forgiveness and mercy into your daily interactions, such as offering care when someone has caused you harm, plays a pivotal role in this transformative process.
Acknowledge and address your inner pain
Emotional pain manifests in various forms, with anxiety, depression, unhealthy anger, lack of trust, self-loathing or low self-esteem, an overall negative worldview, and a lack of confidence in one's ability to change. Recognizing and acknowledging the specific type of pain you are experiencing is crucial.
Emotions can be seen as energy in motion—dynamic forces that propel us through life. To transcend the pain of the past, it's essential to acknowledge, experience, and accept these emotions. Only by embracing them can one make a conscious decision to release and move forward.
Cultivate Empathy
If possible, examining certain aspects of the life of the person who caused you harm can often reveal the wounds they carry, prompting the development of empathy. Start by envisioning them as an innocent child, deserving of love and support. Recognizing that we all carry wounds in our hearts can be a pathway to forgiveness, offering a compassionate perspective that emphasizes our shared humanity.
Find Meaning in Your Suffering
Finding meaning in suffering can be a transformative journey, propelling individuals toward a life of greater depth and purpose. Rather than viewing adversity as an endpoint, it can serve as a crucible for personal growth. By reflecting on the lessons learned from challenging experiences, individuals can extract profound insights that shape their values and priorities.
This newfound meaning becomes a compass, guiding them to live a more intentional and meaningful life. The process involves embracing resilience, fostering a sense of gratitude for the lessons learned, and channeling the energy from past hardships into actions that contribute positively to one's own life and the lives of others. In this way, finding meaning in suffering becomes a catalyst for personal evolution, propelling individuals toward a fuller and more purpose-driven existence.
Utilize Support System
Forgiveness is undoubtedly challenging. It is crucial to envelop yourself in the company of compassionate and wise individuals who provide unwavering support and have the patience to allow your healing journey to unfold organically. Additionally, cultivating humility proves essential—not by diminishing yourself, but by recognizing the shared human capacity for imperfection and suffering. This acknowledgment fosters a sense of empathy, making it easier to navigate the complexities of forgiveness with a compassionate and understanding heart.
Forgive Yourself
In the journey of self-forgiveness, it involves honoring yourself as a person, and accepting the inherent flaws and mistake that occur throughout our journey. Especially in the face of significant lapses in your personal standards, there's a risk of succumbing to self-loathing, leading to a neglectful approach to self-care or engaging in other forms of "self-punishment."
To relinquish self-blame, it's crucial to cultivate self-compassion for the younger version of yourself, recognizing the context in which you were harmed. Sometimes, the initial step involves developing compassion for other victims of betrayal or harm, understanding how easily they could blame themselves for the actions of others. This process creates a foundation for extending that same compassion inward, fostering the necessary self-forgiveness and healing.
Develop a Forgiving Heart
“Hatred stirs old quarrels, but love overlooks insults.” Proverbs 10:12
In transcending suffering, we attain a mature understanding of humility, courage, and love in our existence. This transformative journey might inspire us to cultivate an atmosphere of forgiveness within our homes and workplaces, extending compassion to those who have endured harm. It could propel us to contribute to breaking the cycle of hatred and violence in our communities. Each of these choices has the power to alleviate burdens, infusing our hearts with lightness and bringing joy to our lives.
We are all Creators
In the currency of our existence, attention is a potent commodity, sculpting the very reality we inhabit. The past, when given undue attention, breeds resentment, anger, and shame as we unwittingly replay painful episodes. Simultaneously, fixating on an uncertain future crafts a reality not yet realized, removing us further from the only moments we can live.
Embracing forgiveness and other mental health strategies isn't just a choice; it's a rebellion against dwelling in the past or succumbing to the stories our minds create. It's a declaration to live unapologetically in the now, acknowledging our prowess as architects of our reality. From my vantage point, those with profound wisdom emerge not from unscathed paths but from the crucible of suffering, transforming into beings of heightened empathy, compassion, and purpose.
They defy the narrative of disorder and brokenness, transmuting it into a narrative of resilience and purposeful existence. What was initially perceived as an unspeakable event of betrayal and harm has the remarkable capacity to evolve into an opportunity for learning, love, and creation.
I had an experience a year ago of debilitating joint pain and excessive bleeding nearly entirely ceasing within days of a huge moment of self-forgiveness. I realized that I was enabling my own punishment for my failures as a parent. It occurred to me I could die from the fallout. I wrote my goodbye letters. But then I determined to commit to try to live. When I observed in myself a part of me that believed that I deserved to suffer, I realized that that needed to change immediately. I will not be an agent in my own death. I in-theory (but not truly) believed forgiveness was powerful, but I actually believe it now.
I think it is important to physically separate from people who routinely hurt us. It is much easier to forgive from a distance. A certain amount of rumination can yield positive results, there is an emotional wringing out each time we go over the story. I think it is important to really see the traits in the abuser that have caused harm, that is not negative. We have to understand darkness to get to the light. It is a spiritual bypass to ignore dark traits, and writing them down, verbalizing them brings clarity so that we no longer suffer with betrayal blindness. I don't consider that disparaging, I think it is an essential and practical move. Also, the 'why' the person abused us is not important, the fact that they did is what matters. Too easy to become a victim again with misplaced empathy. A lot of Christian tomes take a fluffy, sentimental approach to forgiveness which is unhelpful. Jesus himself made disparaging but true evaluations of the Pharisees, he pulled no punches. Yes, we can have empathy for a person who suffers from the pains of existence, but in the case of abuse our empathy focus should be on ourselves.