Excellent summary. I often talk about holding two truths in tension, just as the pedals of a bicycle move in tension with each other. One is "My ACE's left deep wounds on me" and "What can I do today to make change in my life?" If you press only on the first pedal, you get victimhood. If you press only on the second, you minimize the role of your psychological injuries in shaping you. If you acknowledge both, you make progress.
Perhaps this is a pendulum swing? Before we generally acknowledged trauma, etc, it was “just get on with it,” “keep a stiff upper lip.” Now we’ve swung too far in the opposite direction. Hopefully we can get to a more balanced place soon.
I love this. So true. I grew up in an abusive household, made worse in some ways by the fact that it looked very functional from the outside so it was hard to get recognition of it. There was a lot of policing among family member to hide the dysfunction and sexual abuse which was being carried out by members with high social standing. While I needed to recognize that I was not the problem in how I was treated growing up, the only way out and through was to realize the damage done to me and to compassionately take responsibility for it. I say compassionately because it wasn't my fault I was launched into the world messed up. Anyone would be being raised by persons with unresolved trauma and possible personality disorders. Yet it was my responsibility to fix it. Unfair, yes. Needed, also yes.
I realized my tendancy to choose destructive men like the family I grew up with. My low esteem allowing myself to destroy my success as I ddin't feel I deserved it. My tendancy to numb out with alcohol and food. I addressed it all, and over the years overcame.
I am now married 18 years to a wonderful man with two children nearing adulthood. We are healthy if not perfect (and now I realize that is ok too) and it's night and day from where I came from. I still carry the scars. I still have tendencies that lean self destructive if I lose self awareness and choice, but I escaped. The hard truth is that there is no escape until you understand that hard lesson and accept it. With compassion.
Oh man, you get it. Brilliant read. I’m trying to draft something similar about radical responsibility myself. I focus on agency in addiction recovery, and the fact its true, lasting remedy is in meeting your unmet needs. Thank you for sharing.
This is an excellent read. Captures very nicely the balance that’s needed in therapy and why kindness and care are needed in different forms. Sometimes we need acknowledgement and validation and sometimes we need empathic confrontation to help us make a shift and not stay stagnant . Thank you!
This piece assumes they everyone get plenty of validation. I will argue that there’s a difference between validation and sympathy. One may find a sympathetic listener but not validation. I don’t feel psychology understands psychological issues and how they develop well enough to provide validation. True, the people who get better are the ones who take matters into their own hands. That’s because our current system harms and allowing the MH system to lead is a mistake.
Could not agree more! So important to understand especially for parents. We get so focused on accusations that we lose sight of resiliency and agency. Great work!
Great read - articulated much of the frustration I’m feeling at the start of this school year. Our young people’s entire personalities are increasingly being based on ‘therapy’ speak, our curriculum is peppered with accommodations for all, and pedagogy is pathologised so that kids are entering adulthood with a victim mentality. Change is needed. And it won’t be popular or easy.
Excellent summary. I often talk about holding two truths in tension, just as the pedals of a bicycle move in tension with each other. One is "My ACE's left deep wounds on me" and "What can I do today to make change in my life?" If you press only on the first pedal, you get victimhood. If you press only on the second, you minimize the role of your psychological injuries in shaping you. If you acknowledge both, you make progress.
Great metaphor!
Perhaps this is a pendulum swing? Before we generally acknowledged trauma, etc, it was “just get on with it,” “keep a stiff upper lip.” Now we’ve swung too far in the opposite direction. Hopefully we can get to a more balanced place soon.
I love this. So true. I grew up in an abusive household, made worse in some ways by the fact that it looked very functional from the outside so it was hard to get recognition of it. There was a lot of policing among family member to hide the dysfunction and sexual abuse which was being carried out by members with high social standing. While I needed to recognize that I was not the problem in how I was treated growing up, the only way out and through was to realize the damage done to me and to compassionately take responsibility for it. I say compassionately because it wasn't my fault I was launched into the world messed up. Anyone would be being raised by persons with unresolved trauma and possible personality disorders. Yet it was my responsibility to fix it. Unfair, yes. Needed, also yes.
I realized my tendancy to choose destructive men like the family I grew up with. My low esteem allowing myself to destroy my success as I ddin't feel I deserved it. My tendancy to numb out with alcohol and food. I addressed it all, and over the years overcame.
I am now married 18 years to a wonderful man with two children nearing adulthood. We are healthy if not perfect (and now I realize that is ok too) and it's night and day from where I came from. I still carry the scars. I still have tendencies that lean self destructive if I lose self awareness and choice, but I escaped. The hard truth is that there is no escape until you understand that hard lesson and accept it. With compassion.
Oh man, you get it. Brilliant read. I’m trying to draft something similar about radical responsibility myself. I focus on agency in addiction recovery, and the fact its true, lasting remedy is in meeting your unmet needs. Thank you for sharing.
This is an excellent read. Captures very nicely the balance that’s needed in therapy and why kindness and care are needed in different forms. Sometimes we need acknowledgement and validation and sometimes we need empathic confrontation to help us make a shift and not stay stagnant . Thank you!
This put every thought and feeling I’ve had about therapy onto a page. Thank you!!
Great piece- and I am a person who advocates for trauma awareness but finds that people run away with this idea.
What’s missing from the list of ailments and medical answers is “gender dysphoria” and “gender affirming care.”
This piece assumes they everyone get plenty of validation. I will argue that there’s a difference between validation and sympathy. One may find a sympathetic listener but not validation. I don’t feel psychology understands psychological issues and how they develop well enough to provide validation. True, the people who get better are the ones who take matters into their own hands. That’s because our current system harms and allowing the MH system to lead is a mistake.
Could not agree more! So important to understand especially for parents. We get so focused on accusations that we lose sight of resiliency and agency. Great work!
Brilliant
Great read - articulated much of the frustration I’m feeling at the start of this school year. Our young people’s entire personalities are increasingly being based on ‘therapy’ speak, our curriculum is peppered with accommodations for all, and pedagogy is pathologised so that kids are entering adulthood with a victim mentality. Change is needed. And it won’t be popular or easy.
Everything about this was SPOT ON.
OMG 💯 this!!!
Brilliant article!