"Are You Seeing a Therapist?"

How our low tolerance & acceptance for emotional distress is harming us

I had the recent privilege of working with a young woman who tragically lost her child. I use the term "privilege" intentionally because it represents more than just offering support during a time of grief; It has been an honor to be with her during such a painful time in her life.

Through my experiences, I've found that the most effective therapists are those who actively learn from each client. They view it as an opportunity to be in the presence of something greater, a holy experience, and to gain insights into the remarkable wisdom about life, suffering and ultimately human resilience.

Her observations about how our culture reacts to those who are suffering was astute. We have collectively created words like “unstable” to cultivate a sense of fear around emotional pain. When intense sadness, fear or distress are experienced by others it has become the norm to ask: “Are you seeing a therapist?”

What is that conveying? You require professional assistance? What you are feeling is not ok? Not normal? A problem? Do THEY have a concern with how they are behaving?

Our primary care healthcare professionals are now assessing the presence of any distress and believe it’s their professional duty to provide some psychiatric/psychological referral or intervention? In schools, educational professionals are hyper-vigilant to any problems and are quick to “suggest” a mental health evaluation and treatment. In fact, funding for mental health screenings in schools has been granted. Why?

Our society is entrenched in a culture driven by fear, where the existence of emotional struggles (a normal component of living) is often closely linked to labels like "unstable," "mentally ill," or having a "chemical imbalance." These struggles are perceived as indicators of danger, requiring attention or care as if they were medical diseases.

Many remain unaware of the profound consequences of this response, which essentially functions as a form of invalidation, impacting individuals and society on a significant scale. As Bret Weinstein aptly pointed out, negative emotions and sensations are outcomes of adaptive evolution, just as much as positive ones. The way we react to others' suffering reflects our own distorted beliefs and a limited tolerance for emotional pain. What does our collective response to people in distress reveal about the broader fabric of our culture?

We commonly view entering therapy as a positive step, an opportunity to confront and learn from our pain. However, the current trend in therapy often introduces another element.

Therapists frequently suggest medication, asking, "Have you considered trying medication? It might help take the edge off."

What does "taking the edge off" mean? Is there a predetermined limit for what constitutes an acceptable amount of pain? How long can someone struggle before it’s too long? Does this suggestion convey that the pain is considered too overwhelming to bear without assistance?

One of the most detrimental actions we can collectively take to harm our emotional well-being is to suppress or harshly judge negative emotions. When we label them as harmful, wrong, disordered, or beyond our control, we inadvertently intensify their impact, potentially rendering ourselves incapacitated. Even the most distressing emotions have a purpose in serving us. This is but one reason why the psychiatric industrial complex is so incredibly damaging to our collective culture.

I believe in most cases, professional help would not be necessary if WE changed how we communicated and understood the painful aspects of living.

We are remarkably resilient and can overcome trauma, loss & painful episodes when given the chance to heal. When I asked my clients what they need from people in their lives, their responses were clear:

"Just be with me and accept me"

"treat me like a human"

"love me"

"don't act like I am a burden"

"just listen"

"normalize and validate what I am feeling."

Indeed, this is profound wisdom. When someone is given the time and space to be present with their pain, remarkable transformations occur. In time, the emotional pain begins to diminish. As we navigate through the process, actively engaging with and accepting our emotions without judgment, incredible transformations unfold as the energy shifts.

In a culture that tends to frame exposure to prolonged emotional pain as indicative of a medical condition requiring "medication," there's a noteworthy alternative. Resist any idea that aversive emotions are pathological and dangerous. Cultivate an attitude around FULL ACCEPTANCE.

Efforts to alleviate pain through substances like drugs or alcohol, as well as engaging in self-destructive behaviors, hinder the recovery process. These approaches often lead individuals to develop strategies for suppressing and avoiding painful emotions and memories. This prevents healing.

Yes- taking an antidepressant drug or other pill to blunt emotions impedes natural recovery. It’s not a medicine. It’s a drug.

I can't help but wonder: What if we cultivated a greater tolerance and acceptance for this experience? What if we altered how we communicate about the painful aspects of being human, especially to younger people? Rather than framing aversive emotions as symptoms of an illness, what if we recognized them as powerful indicators that something in our lives needs attention or change—an opportunity for growth and transformation? This would completely alter how they cope.

Everything is temporary.

I firmly believe that post-traumatic stress only transforms into a "disorder" when individuals are denied the chance to recover with patience, dignity, and love. What unfolds when given this opportunity is quite remarkable. Some develop a heightened empathy for those in pain, become acutely aware of the fleeting nature of time with loved ones, and deepen their capacity for love. Others channel their pain into creating works of art, volunteering, or establishing businesses or charities to assist others.

Some valuable lessons when someone is in emotional pain:

1. Witness their feelings.. just be present.

2. Validate that their emotions make sense.

3. Don’t minimize their pain or attempt to cheer them up.

4. Offer physical affection (if appropriate) like a hug.

5. Affirm your support and commitment.

Raising Resilient Kids:

1. Normalize struggle .

2. Communicate the inherent resilience and strength to rise above challenges.

3. In the face of hardship, both accept the presence of pain and teach/model how to grow from the experience.

4. Share stories of resilience and connect with elders & mentors you trust.

5. Protect your kids from ideological zealots in public schools. Be mindful when they attempt to promote their world view and push victimization culture.

6. Remind them their life has purpose and meaning w/ words and actions.

We find ourselves inundated with corporate messages, medical propaganda, and ideologies that prove detrimental across all aspects of our culture. I pose the question: Who truly benefits from this narrative? I am confident that many among us are inquiring, "How did we get here?" It's time for us to be fully aware of the repercussions of perpetuating a faux-expert culture upheld by the medical establishment. Together, we have the power to shift from a culture rooted in fear and victimization to one characterized by love and resilience.

But we have to…

RESIST