8 Steps To Becoming Miserably Depressed

An anti self-help guide

The relentless pursuit of happiness isn't just overrated - it's a fool's errand, a hamster wheel for the soul. You've run the gauntlet of self-improvement, haven't you? Therapy sessions where you've bared your soul, a medicine cabinet that rivals a small pharmacy, diets that would make a rabbit envious, and enough self-help books to wallpaper a mansion. Yet here you are, still chasing that elusive state of bliss like a mirage in the desert of your discontent.

Well, I've got news for you, intrepid happiness seeker: you're not just doing it wrong - you're playing the wrong game entirely.

In this era of toxic positivity and Instagram-perfect lives, we've forgotten a fundamental truth: misery takes effort. Real, genuine, soul-crushing despair doesn't just happen - it's cultivated, like a prized orchid of anguish. And if you're going to do something, why not do it spectacularly?

Welcome to the ultimate guide on achieving miserable depression - not because we want you to spiral into despair, but because sometimes, the only way to dodge a bullet is to watch it in slow motion. We're about to embark on a meticulous exploration of emotional self-sabotage, not as a goal, but as a stark reminder of the pitfalls lurking in our everyday choices.

Consider, if you will, the Herculean effort required to cultivate true, bone-deep depression. It's not for the faint of heart or the casually self-destructive. No, achieving a state of profound misery demands dedication, consistency, and a perverse kind of anti-discipline. It's an art form really - the dark inverse of personal growth.

We're about to plunge into the murky depths of the psyche, not for cheap thrills, but to illuminate the treacherous habits and behaviors that can drag us into the abyss. Consider this your roadmap to the pitfalls of the mind.

The secret to evading devastating depression?

Just don't do these things.

1. Label Yourself With "Depression" & See A Psychiatrist or Family Doc

The pinnacle of a self-fulfilling prophecy - slapping a convenient label on your malaise and seeking the validation of the medical establishment. After all, why navigate the complexities of the human condition when you can reduce yourself to a tidy diagnostic code?

Start by convincing yourself that your feelings aren't just feelings, but symptoms of a dire medical condition. That persistent sadness? Couldn't possibly be a normal response to life's challenges. No, it must be a chemical imbalance in need of pharmaceutical intervention.

March into your family doctor's office, armed with a laundry list of complaints you've meticulously gathered from WebMD. Don't bother mentioning trivial details like recent life events, stress, or that nagging sense that maybe you're not living up to your potential. Focus solely on the symptoms - the more, the merrier!

When your doctor inevitably whips out the prescription pad after a cursory 10-minute consultation, feel that rush of relief. Finally, proof that you're officially "depressed" and not just struggling with the universal human experience of occasional unhappiness.

Should you find yourself referred to a psychiatrist, embrace the opportunity to further cement your new identity. Nod along as they explain how your brain is fundamentally broken, requiring a lifetime of chemical adjustment. After all, it's much easier to swallow a pill than to swallow the idea that you might have some agency in your mental state.

Remember, the goal here is to fully inhabit the role of "depressed person." Let it seep into every aspect of your identity. Why be a complex individual with a range of emotions when you can be a walking diagnosis?

So go ahead, clutch that prescription like a badge of honor. As you dutifully swallow your daily dose of "normality," take comfort in knowing you've successfully outsourced responsibility for your mental health to the pharmaceutical industry. Who needs personal growth when you have modern medicine to keep you comfortably numb?

#2. Consider Everything You Feel To Be Completely Outside Your Control

The cornerstone of any respectable descent into despair: relinquishing all sense of personal agency. Why bother with introspection or self-improvement when you can simply throw your hands up and declare yourself a helpless victim of circumstance?